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toilet talk

Sunday, November 22, 2009
As you can imagine, I often receive emails asking me about Japanese toiletry concerns - from people who are into that kind of thing.

In response, I spent some time researching nearby public toilets with my camera - although I'm really not into that kind of thing.

Three photos and one police interrogation later, I managed to get a very small collection of pics together for the delectation of those who are into that kind of thing....

Signs for toilets, for example, can come in a number of designs. This one is standard, the kind you'd expect to see almost anywhere in the world...


Simple, clear, efficient.


This one is far from standard, but rather entertaining, possibly causing you to piss yourself laughing. Literally, if you're not careful.


Simple, clear, efficient, amusing.


I can't be sure what this one's all about though.....




Whereas the message on this sign, seen on a hut on a country road, is all too clear...


Do NOT splash it about around here.


Here's a gem, found in an old block of flats built at a time when sit-down toilets were still something of a novelty in the country. It's a notice on the toilet-roll holder explaining to newbies how to use a sit-down toilet.

The carefully drawn diagram on the left explains that men should lift the toilet lid when peeing, or there might be a right old mess, whereas the diagram on the right says that for ladies' number ones and everyone's number twos, it's really a good idea to sit down (on the seat and not the part underneath that the guys have urinated onto).

the unrush hour

Sunday, November 15, 2009


In Japan's larger cities, the rush hour might well involve a bloke in white gloves shoving you onto a carriage till you're so far in that your face squashes up against the window while someone's briefcase rides up your backside as you try to make sure your hands don't touch anyone lest you be accused of groping.

Outside the big cities though, the situation is somewhat different. The rush hour might involve a train pulling in to the station, the doors opening, you stepping on to the train in a style of your choosing, walking to a seat at a steady pace and sitting down.

Your main concern will be finding a position which you deem suitable.....



...so that you can kick back and relax....



...and once you're nice and comfortable, you can happily doze off....


....having taken your shoes off first, of course.

long-lasting liza

Sunday, November 08, 2009
The recession continues to bite in Japan - take a little stroll around any 'hood and you'll likely see a fair few empty premises.

However, it's good to see that Liza is planning to stick around for a while...


You can always count on Liza.

spreading the word

Sunday, November 01, 2009


Apparently, like Eminem, Christianity is not big in Japan.

This is not altogether surprising as they already have their hands full with two other religions, Shintoism and Buddhism.

Having said that, there are roughly a million Christians in total here - though in a country the size of Japan, it's not a lot. But if it was a country the size of Barbados, it would be. But it's not.

Walk around any neighbourhood and you'll find plenty of churches, but in many cases the pews will be empty.

It appears that it's all down to the advertising methods being employed by the Christian Association of Japan. Sticking a few TVs in a wall and running God-related ads around the clock just isn't cutting it.



Let's be honest, corrugated iron never looks good, no matter what colour you paint it.



It's something of a surprise that there aren't more Christians here, as according to the people of Shingo in northern Japan, Jesus is buried in their village.

Legend has it that instead of having his hands nailed into wood, Jesus fled to Japan and ended up living in Shingo, doing a spot of rice farming and dying at the ripe old age of 106.

On his way to Shingo, he visited the Gion district of Kyoto because he'd read in his guidebook that it was a really lovely place....


Jesus was said to have been impressed by the doors in Gion.


Moving on from Gion, he soon found himself feeling rather peckish and, for the first time in his life, tried takoyaki - little chunks of diced octopus inside a ball of light fluffy batter...


Despite burning his tongue on his first bite, takoyaki became part of Jesus's calorie controlled diet while living in Shingo.


Jesus forewent the bullet train in favour of leg-power, arriving in Shingo a few weeks later. Here he lived out the rest of days mingling with the locals and eating takoyaki.


"Tooooooouuuuuuchakuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!"

kurama in flames

Saturday, October 24, 2009


If the sparks that fly when two flint stones are rubbed together give you a semi-boner, or if the lighting of a match gives you a whacking great woody, then the Kurama Fire Festival will likely make you as stiff as a rigor mortis-ridden rabbit found on a freezing winter morn in the glorious mountains surrounding this tiny village half an hour north of Kyoto.

Now I'm not a fire starter, twisted fire starter, but after reading about this festival, I thought I'd go along for some flaming good festive fun. The problem was, the entire population of Kyoto also had the same idea.

This meant that on Thursday, all the people who were here at lunchtime...




....were here at dinnertime....



The parade takes place along a narrow bonfire-filled street bordered by wooden houses against a backdrop of tinder-dry trees as a result of a drier than usual summer. Perfect conditions for a blazing good night.

The crowd was made up of:
30% Japanese spectators
10% Tall Westerners blocking the view of the Japanese spectators
60% Police officers with megaphones
0% Firefighters

The number of police officers in attendance was quite astonishing. I'm sure it meant that at the same time there were no police officers in the whole of the rest of Japan, allowing criminals across the nation to run riot.

Apparently the people in the parade chant "sairei, sairyo" as they move along the street carrying enormous pine torches, but unfortunately I couldn't hear it as the police were chanting "move back, move along" through their enormously loud megaphones.


A megaphone with the volume turned up to 11.



A megaphone-happy cop.



Many police officers had swine flu. Or didn't want to catch swine flu.


At around six o'clock it all kicked off. Firestarters, twisted firestarters were scurrying about starting fires all over the show, and before long, thick billowing smoke was rolling down the main street...



Kurama was quickly ablaze, with some bonfires singeing the eyebrows of those standing too close....


A police officer warms his hands on one of the many fires.






An RPPT - rocket propelled pine torch



A couple of participants warming their extremities by the fire.


By eight o'clock there was so much fire around that the oxygen was starting to be sucked out of the air.




At one point, a bonfire close to me started lashing out, like a violent drunk looking for trouble. Chaos ensued....


Beware - fire can be unpredictable.


There was a flash and a bang and before I could say "Where's the water?", I found myself in the middle of a virtual fireball....



Thankfully the fires were eventually brought under control and order was restored. And then it was time to leave.

As I made my way to the station, I saw a mysterious figure lurking in the shadows. Ah yes, it was a policeman with a megaphone.


Festival breakdown:
Fire factor: 10 out of 10
Most dangerous place: Everywhere
Least dangerous place: In the lake
Noise: Mostly from megaphones
Good for: Pyromaniacs / megalomegaphonemaniacs

A review of the Danjiri Matsuri in Kishiwada can be found here.

past pachinko

Sunday, October 18, 2009


As we know all too well, there are many kinds of balls in life.


Pool balls....



Testiballs....




Ed Balls....


Currently the UK's Secretary of State for Children, School Dinners and Families.


And of course, pachinko balls....

Without pachinko balls, there would never have been any pachinko halls, as the pachinko machine would never have been invented.

Indeed, could THIS be Japan's oldest surviving pachinko machine, a contraption I recently found abandoned in an Osaka backstreet?








No, probably not.